What a crazy ride. Life can be extremely unpredictable. But does that stop us from living it how we want? Absolutely not. Don’t let the pressure overwhelm you. Don’t let the hurt in your life keep you down. God has opened my eyes so much since my last post. My heart got broken, and then healed again by God. I’m God’s girlfriend. And no guy in my life can ever take His place. I’ve gotten a chance to see what it’s like to live as a big family. My mother is getting married late May. Not only will I get a step-dad but also I’m getting 3 new brothers and a new sister. It’s difficult; I will admit that, but it’s also really cool to see things from a different point of view. I’m used to the house being quiet, I’m used to getting the seniority attention. I’m used to having my voice heard over anyone else’s. Now, I’m still the oldest, go me:), but I have 5 younger siblings below me that need the attention more than I do. In all the chaos, I still have those lonely feeling moments. Those moments where I just feel alone. I know I’m loved. I know I’m blessed and have the support of my friends and family, but sometimes I can’t shake that alone feeling. Like something’s missing. And it doesn’t help not being able to get out for a bit like I want to. I’m alone, trapped with the chaos around me. I want to be alone with quietness around me. Just God and me. With my music of course:) In highschool wanting to feel loved and needing a guy, or girl, in your life may seem like everything. Trust me, I’ve felt that. Sometimes I still miss having that, but it’s not. Girls, face it, guys are stupid. And they’ll do anything to prove that. Without even knowing it. Guys, girls run off of emotions and every little thing you say to us. We know that we do that. But we’re fragile. We may act all tough sometimes, but we’re not. Far from it. In a household, the guy is the one who’s protective and tough. Girls are the loving sensitive ones. Well it’s true even outside the household. But who remembers that before opening their mouth? Hmm? Do you? Because I don’t. In all honesty, I do not think about the feelings of a guy before I open my mouth. Not trying to sound rude or even inconsiderate, but you do it too. We all do it. And we wonder why we get so hurt when someone says the wrong thing. Or breaks up with us. It hurts. So why put yourself through the hurt? I’m just gabbing right now. Random thoughts coming out left and right. I’m emotionally stuck right now. I’ve lost friendships that I wish were still there because of relationships. No, I don’t regret dating the guys that I did, but I miss the friendships that I got out of them. Most of them aren’t there anymore. It’s sad. Some of you know exactly what and whom I’m talking too. Since my first boyfriend in 8^th grade. Crazy ride. But I’m just at the beginning. I realized I think so much about the next season of my life and wanting to get there so badly, I can’t even appreciate or enjoy what I have now. I sit and ask myself, “How much did I miss?” “How much could I have missed if I realized that later?” I’ve finally started to enjoy now. And worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. I can’t control what happens. I can hope all I want, but I can’t control. So why not enjoy? A lot of people ponder over that. Not only me. It’s hard to be “stuck” at home when I want to get away with my car sitting in the driveway. I don’t have my license yet so I can’t leave whenever I want. But I’ve found use for my time. I spend it with God:) after all, I am His girlfriend:)

Well yall, it's been an extremely long time since I've posted something. Nothing has really jumped out at me to post. Until last week. Over spring break I went on a mission trip to Guatemala. It was not only my first time out of the country, but it was also my first mission trip. And man let me tell ya, God is truly awesome. He has done some amazing things this past week and I know there is still more to come. So I'm going to start from the beginning. I'm going to take you on the journey that was not only for the hurting families we reached out to in Guatemala, but also for me. After loosing Dad in July and having my entire world shaken up, it just got more wild. Sunday was the first day of the trip. We left at around 5:30 that afternoon. So the day wasn't much, but it was the beginning. And we all know, every journey has to start somewhere, right? When we got there we settled into our hotel and had our first family meeting. As you might guess, we were all a bit on the shy side, lol. But it wasn't bad at all. Most of us were on a trip in a third-world country with people we had never met before. That later changed. Monday, day 2. We went on our first out reach ministering event. We went to the local police station in Guatemala City and painted most of the building. I have never had so much fun painting!! Yes, we made a few mistakes here and there and made a giant mess. But we cleaned it up and the place looked great! And of course we were a mess as well(; Later that night we went to a restaurant for dinner that, I think, had amazing steak(; beeeffff…haha only of few of you would understand where that came from(; It was Brittany’s birthday so a Mariachi band came and started singing her happy birthday. That she wasn’t too happy at us for(; At family time that night Pastor Ben was talking to us about what we had experienced on our first day. One thing he said really popped out at me. “Today we made messes but cleaned them up and made mistakes but covered those up.” It got me to thinking about our lives as humans. We make messes, but with God’s grace He cleans them up for us. We make mistakes, but again He fixes them for us. We can’t do it on our own. We are incapable of that kind of power..? I guess you could call it. If we were able to fix those for ourselves Eve would have fixed her mistake that day in the garden. But God didn’t want it that way. He loves us so much He’s willing to sacrifice His life and willing to clean up our messes. I don’t know about you, but so far I am already in love with this Guy. I mean what person doesn’t love someone who’s willing to do that much for you? And even more at that matter! Remember yall, this is only day 2. It gets WAY better(; Tuesday, day 3. That was our fun day! We drove up to the mountains and stayed there. And yall get this, we went on the 6^th largest zip line. IN THE WORLD!! Freaky? A bit. Extremely fun? Heck yes it was!! We started by taking a 25 minute hike on a trail up the mountain. Once we got to the top, the fun began(; We zip-lined down 8 different lines. First one was the hardest. Well at least for someone, like me, who hadn’t gone zip-lining before. Then they just kept getting better and better! The ONLY bad thing about going, I jerked my arm on the first line. The first. So it was a bit sore considering it was the arm I had to stop with AND I have 7 more to go down. But, all in all, totally worth it(; After lunch and zip-lining we went shopping!! Of course the girls had a bit more fun than the guys, but that’s okay. One thing I give great thanks to, is that the guys were very cautious about us girls. They split up and there was at least one guy in every group. Not only was that very respectful and gentlemanly, but it was also very godly. We are God’s temple and especially girls, we are very vulnerable at times. So guys, thank you and kudos to you! Wednesday, day 3. The most emotional day of my entire journey. That morning we got up, ate breakfast, and went to a school to love on the kids and play with them. As amazing as it was to play with them, it broke my heart. They were so happy. Smiles bright with a sparkle in their eyes. As Americans, we take so much for granted. Nothing can satisfy us. We also want more more more! Not need, want. We don’t need anything but God and His grace and love. Everything else is a gift from Him because He loves us. But does that stop us? Not at all. What a horrible thing society has come to. Just horrible. After the school, we went to an elderly couple’s house. Their names are Pat and Charlie Reynolds. They are true examples and leaders of patience in the Kingdom of God. They’re missionaries and have lived in Guatemala for 10 years. They were born and raised in America. Trueborn Americans. But their home and hearts are in Guatemala. Pat and Charlie shared their hearts with us. They shared with us their testimony, and it was a strong one. Part of Charlie’s testimony was his relationship with his dad. I don’t want to be the one to tell his story, but I will tell you, they weren’t on the best of terms. And that led to the discussion of a fatherly figure and the Father himself. One thing that always gets me is when I see a grown man cry. Any time a grown man is crying I instantly hurt for them. Men are the strong leaders. Tough. But when you see one cry that instantly changes how you look at them. Not in a bad way. I have a certain level of respect for the men who aren’t afraid to share their sensitive side. Anyway, back to Pat and Charlie’s house. As he’s talking, I’m hurting. Because I know what I’ve gone through and I know how much it sucks to loose someone. No matter what your relation to them was. Pastor Ben mentioned something to Charlie about me loosing Dad. By this point I am bawling my eyes out. Charlie looks at me and says, “Now I know I am no where close to what your dad is and who he was, but if you need a father hug my arms are open.” I immediately get up and go to him. He holds me tight and I breakdown. I let everything out. I hadn’t cried that hard in 34 weeks. I’ll let you figure out about what time that was on your own. I looked up and everyone was surrounding us. Eyes red with tears running down their cheeks. I knew my close friends would be hurting for me, but I didn’t realize people I had never talked to would be doing the same. That hug meant so much to me. He was right, he wasn’t my dad. No where close. But at that moment, I had felt closer to him than I did in 7, almost 8, months. Earlier in the week, Pastor Ben asked us what we wanted to get out of this trip. One thing we wanted to experience with God. I said I wanted to feel the warmth and comfort of His presence. Wednesday afternoon, I felt it. And it was breathtaking. Thursday, day 4. We painted again!(; By this point we were in Antigua. So we got a chance to paint the local police station there. Okay totally random, but while we were there, a GIANT spider probably bigger than my palm was on the wall. EEEK!! Anyway, back on track. Haha! After we painted the station we walked down the street to a special needs school. Those kids were so cute! Someone turned music on and the next thing you know, they were all dancing and we helped them make bracelets and blew bubbles. Omg. So cute! It was awesome to watch them dance and have a good time. We started talking to the lady that owns the school and one of the questions that we asked was “Do these kids have parents?” because at some schools, the children are orphans. She said some of them do and some of them live at the local hospital down the street. I stopped in my path and just stood there. How devastating would it be to live in a hospital but have no idea? These kids don’t have any clue they’re different from other kids. They grow up and have fun knowing only what’s around them. Sad. Very sad. We couldn’t stay there long, because another group of American’s were coming to minister to them, but the time we did spend with them not only made an impact on them, but also on us. Once we got back to the station, the officers were ready to play a little soccer with us! Apparently they were good. Once we saw them play, oh my goodness they were beast!! I didn’t get a chance to play because my arm was bothering me that day, but it was really fun to watch. We handed out bibles and devotionals to them once the game was over and it was time to head out. All of them and really big smiles on their faces which really warmed my heart(; That night for family night we sat there in our room all in a circle and just spoke what was on our hearts to one another. We spent 3 and a half hours just encouraging each other and lifting each other up. It was truly amazing. Everyone had broken out of their shell and everyone knew each other. There was no shyness or holding back. All honestly and openness. This was the last night we’d all be together. Team 2 was leaving in the morning and we made the best of it. Friday, day 5. Team 2 left that morning. It was so hard to see them go! But I was glad to see how many friendships I had made just in that one group of people. That wasn’t all of them either because team 1 hadn’t left yet(; Friday was cool. We went back to Pat and Charlie’s and helped them around the house. They had construction workers doing stuff outside and we all helped them work. Before lunch Pat and us girls got a chance to sit down and talk for a bit. She said to share whatever was on our hearts. Any questions we had, concerns, problems, we were open to talk about them. We were a bit timid at first, but once we started talking, we started talking(; The act of forgiveness came up. Pat said she was reading in the bible and the Word says that you can’t have forgiveness until you have forgiven those who you have displeasure with. *slap slap!* Hello!!!??? Bam! That one hit me hard. I realized that the biggest problem that had been keeping me from having the ultimate relationship with God, was the fact that I had been blaming Him for everything that has happened the past almost 8 months. The Devil was taking the circumstance and turning me against God with it. As close to Him as I thought I was, I was so distant. Blind. So, I stomped on the evil one. I kicked him away. And I began the process of forgiveness towards God for all the hatred I had been feeling. Woohoo!!! Peace was flowing into me. I could feel myself just relax. It’s like God was helping me with the process. Can you say, AMAZING! Woo! This Guy is good. After lunch Charlie took us to a village a few minutes away. This experience changed the way I look at poverty. Poverty in America does not exist like it does in Guatemala. These houses would be no bigger than your front living room and 10 or more people could be living there. There’s waste streaming down the road. Kids skinnier than your arm run after you to get more candy and love. Parents fake a smile because they see their children laughing and playing but you know they are hurting inside, because these strangers are coming to them. In their area of all places, to make them happy and spread the Word to them. That, my friends, is the love of Jesus Christ. Saturday, day 6. The final day of the trip. Spent traveling. Lol. We left from Guatemala. Sad face. We arrived in Miami and had a 3 hour lay over. It was actually more fun than you’d think. Haha! A bunch of teenagers in an airport keeping themselves entertained? Heck yes!! Our flight from Miami to DFW was delayed. As we are landing I find out, it is snowing. Leaving Guatemala, which has beautiful 70’s average weather, and come home to Texas. Unpredictable weather. Last day of winter and it’s beautiful sunny weather in the 70’s. First day of spring and it drops to the 30’s and snows. Irony much? Lol RECAP!! Guatemala changed my heart and how I look at things. I don’t know if you can see it, but it didn’t happen for you. It happened for me. I know I’m different. God knows He changed my heart and He knows who I am. I am His. I pray God changes your heart like He did mine. May peace be upon you.

If you had the chance to do something over again, would you do it? A chance to do something better than you did it before? Use better words than you did before?

Ever had that feeling inside of you that you've done something, or even said something, that didn't feel so right but you know you had to do, or say, it? We all have. Don't regret making that decision. Everything you choose in life will make you the person you are. Whether good or bad, they shape you. There was a question I read that said "What hurts worse, saying something then regretting you said it? Or not saying anything at all and wishing you had?" Personally, I would go with the second one. I can remember many things people have told me in the past that either broke me or built me up. Either way, I became stronger after they said it. Never saying something you should have? Thats going to sit inside of you. Growing with guilt. Especially knowing that you never have that chance again. I'm not the most wise person in the world. Gosh no. But think about it from my point of view. Would you rather become stronger and get over something said or done to you? Or have this guilt build up inside of you and break you down? Don't be afraid to release what's inside of you. Whoever you're talking to will understand I'm sure. And if they don't, they will in time. Think about something someone told you and you wish they had never even met you. Did you get over it? Are you a different person because of it? If not, think again. I know there's at least one time you have thought that. Don't ignore it. It's there for a reason. Especially if it's someone you care about! Don't let the opportunity pass! Even though they're not sure of it yet, they needed to hear what you had to say. They needed to! Don't ignore it and let it pass you by. Help them shape who they are, by shaping who you are.

Well, it's been a while since I've posted something. This past week I had a very difficult time. Saturday was hard, because nothing but memories would flood my head. Sunday, it continued. Monday was better, but I was dreading what was next. Tuesday, Daddy's birthday. I had a very fun event filled day. But the idea of that day buried itself inside me. Not coming out. Wednesday, 6 months. 6 months I have lived without the one person I always looked up to. A person who made me who I am now. I realized that life never really gives you a break. I thought that since I was already going to have a hard time, everything else would just disappear and leave me alone for a while. But it doesn't. The same little problems didn't end. The ones out of my control. Some people don't understand that you can't live life focusing on what you don't have and trying to reach for it. You have to concentrate on what you do have. Look beyond what's in front of you. Everyone has at least someone in their life that they trust whole-heartedly. Don't lose that person. Don't do something stupid and push them away. If they care about you the same way, they're not going anywhere. Life is too short to not enjoy it. Especially with the ones you love. Don't let something as simple as jealousy ignite the resentment within you.

Knowing someone and truly understanding them is different than what people think it is. You may know them, but do you honestly know them deep down? My best friend, who is like a brother to me, told me something last night that has really stuck. He said, "Seeing someone's weakness allows them to open up their heart to you." How true is that?! I think about it now and the people that truly understand me and know me, i've opened my heart up to them and they've seen me at my weakest state of being. Last night was a very emotionally moving night at church, of course depending how you grasp what the pastor is saying, every night could be. I've been dealing with a lot of stress lately. From people being in and out of my house to trying to keep up with grades, having a social life, deal with life in general right now, it's a butt-load of work for a 15 year old. But, I'm managing. I have my mom there to keep me in check. What a blessing she is. And my friends and other family members. Despite everything going on, I am extremely blessed with the life I have. I couldn't live without the people in it. So, here's to everyone I'm talking about. And you know who you are(;

Today is a new day. I'm not going to worry about tomorrow and I will not dwell in the past. I am a pretty mellow person. I do, like everyone else, have my moments. But no one is perfect. And some of us don't realize we're making the same mistakes as others are. Yet, we're the ones who look down on them and criticism them. Hypocritical. I try my best to not blame others for something out of their control. Sometimes it seems like the easy thing do to. Right? But, just because it's easy doesn't make it right. Covering things up is so much easier than telling the truth or being straight with someone. But, that's the wrong thing to do. Life's a roller coaster ride. Sometimes it seems like you're just riding on the lowest point and never see what's above. I can tell you that's not true. Happiness and joy is all around you. You just have to look a bit harder. Needs a bit more effort but it is so worth it. The only person keeping you from all the happiness that you say you can't find, is yourself. You're not looking! You must search to find happiness. Take chances, make mistakes and learn from it all along the way. We grow by learning. We live by growing. No one tears others down. It's how you respond that either builds you up or brings you down. No one is stopping you from living your dreams or spreading your wings to fly.